Finally!

Isn't it so pretty!?!!!!


The dedication and open house dates have been announced for the Twin Falls Idaho LDS Temple. Check out the Twin Falls temple website for dates and more information. We are super excited here! I'm not sure about how to get tickets yet since I haven't been to church for 3 weeks but I'll find out very soon hopefully!

Mom! That's My Other Name!

My yearly paycheck: $301, 235

No wonders somedays I feel a little overworked and slightly underpaid! Do you think I could find a bank to cash this? I've got to find someone to sign it first!

That's okay. Look who I get to hang out with everyday. That makes up for no real paycheck. (Don't get me wrong though, I'd take both!)



Go to MomSalaryWizard.com to figure out your Mommy Paycheck!

Choices and Agency

Friday Z was invited to play Rock Band at a friends house after school. I have not met this friend or his family before and based on the address of where he lives, I automatically prejudged and was uncomfortable with the situation. After visiting with the father of the boy, I agreed that Z could go over after school but he would not be staying the night. I would let him eat dinner there and play until bedtime but then I would come pick him up and bring him home to sleep in his own bed.

Z called me after school to let me know that he was at his friends house and I told him to have a good time and I would see him about 10 p.m.

At exactly 9:59 p.m. Hubby and I pulled into the friends driveway. The neighborhood was worse then I had imagined but this house was the cleanest on the street so my hopes were somewhat calmed. As I walked up to the door, Z's friend waved to me from the front window. I thought, "Okay, I have totally misjudged this young man and his family."

The boy opened the door and I just about blew over from the rush of smoke that came rushing out in my face. I started coughing and strained to look through the cloudy room to find Z. Suddenly this bald headed man with buggy eyes and raunchy breath is shaking my hand and asking me to come in and sit for a minute while they finish their game. My first instinct was to grab my innocent child and run. I decided to... against my instincts, and went in to watch the game.

Rock Band is a video game. I don't know much about it but Z was the guitar player, the friend had the microphone and he was the singer, and the father was the drummer. They selected a final song and began to play. I was overwhelmed by the environment. I was watching Z "rock out" with this group, and wanted to cry. As I took a deep breath and looked around the room, I noticed this huge man with a really long pony tail (I'm judging again, I know) sitting in the corner, drinking and smoking. He was creepy. I saw this small girl playing with a doll in the hallway. There were some Greg Olsen paintings of Christ on the wall (ODD!) and there was garbage and filth everywhere. The house was filled with this strange smell of incense. I couldn't help but cough a few more times.

My attention turned back to the game. I couldn't understand the words the boy was singing at all so I decided to read them off the TV screen. The song was The Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden. The words were something like 6...6....6....(something about Satan and sacrifice and other scary words).

The song ended, they high fived each other or some weird guy thing, we kindly thanked them for inviting Z over for the evening, and I grabbed Z and ran for the door. Fresh air and freedom never felt so good. We got in the car and left. Hubby said we stunk. I told him that was the good part. Z coughed all the way home. I made him shower and wash his clothes. He went to bed coughing, and had a really big head ache. He slept all day Saturday, and said that his chest hurt from coughing so much. Z had a fever for most of the day.

We talked about the evening, and we agreed that he would not be going back. The friend can come here and we can meet them places but their home is not a place where he wants to be. I was very relieved and grateful for his decision. It's hard to bite my tongue and let my kids begin to choose for themselves what they want in their lives.

Z told me that another friend was telling him that in 4 years the world will be destroyed by volcanoes in the ocean. He asked me if this was true. I told him the Jesus still has to come and reign so we know the end of the world is not yet. He then asked if when Christ comes and there is no evil, is that because our free agency will have been taken away from us?

Today the kids are home from church again because we still have fevers and coughs. The girls have been listening to the music of My Turn on Earth by Carol Lyn Pearson. If you are not familiar with this story, it is about a girl named Barbara and her story of before life, her turn to come to earth, the lessons she learnes, and then eventually death. As I have listened to this story today and the words in the songs, I am reminded of how important our free agency was to us in the pre-earth life and that whether it is my 1 year old H fighting to do things all by himself or my 12 year old Z making choices about friendships and environments, it is important that with my guidance they are allowed to make the choices themselves. As much as I would like to protect them and do it all for them, they also earned that right to come to earth and experience agency for themselves.



Heavenly Father really does have a perfect and beautiful plan.

What is real?

I'm driving down the road visiting with my daughter. Matt and Alisa wave as they pass us in their Tahoe. We laugh and wave back. The light turns red and we stop. There's a woman next to me with her window down because she is smoking and I'm thankful I don't have that addiction. There's a car with 2 dogs breathing down the drivers neck and I'm thankful I have kids in car seats. The light turns green and my mind goes blank. Where am I? Am I asleep or is this for real? I can't remember how to drive. What do I do? I close my eyes for a second, turn my mind off and let my reflexes take over. When I open my eyes again, I feel the same but the car starts to move this time. Now I am scared. Why do I feel like I am asleep? What is wrong? I am afraid.

I've had some weird sleep experiences lately. My legs are very restless. I always have a headache and I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I have no idea if I am sleeping or awake at night because I am aware of things all night long. Sometimes things happen that are real, sometimes they are in my dreams but my mind is going all the time and I'm beginning to get confused.

I'll be sitting on the toilet trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, I wake up and realize that it was a dream and I am so thankful that my body knew not to go. So then I get up and head to the bathroom. As I'm sitting there trying to go, I'm thinking this is exactly the same as a few minutes ago. Only this time I think, I hope, I'm awake and on the toilet. It seems like whether I am awake or asleep, my brain is always in a dreamy state.

There are other things. Things that scare me. I think I'm going crazy. I already take 10 pills a day. What more do I need to do?

I decided to pray for help. I begged and pleaded for an answer. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet when I thought to look up side effects of the meds that I'm on.

Whoa....here's my answer!

It now time for bed and I have my handful of pills to take. I'm looking at these things thinking, if I take them, I am just drugging my body, but if I don't, I'll get sick. Which is worse? Being drugged or being sick?

Why can't I just be normal?

One of the meds I take is for depression. That is the one that I am having the most side effects from. I'm scared to continue taking it for fear of it continuing to dominate and control me. But I've gone off of it before and I always come back to this same place. I love the feeling of freedom I feel when my body is free of the anti-depressant. "I feel like a real boy, Geppetto." But, slowly, I get lower and lower until I am no longer functioning and then I beg my doctor for help and he puts me back on the pills and tells me not to go off of them again.

Yet,now,even on medicine, I feel like I'm always low, just not the same. The medicine makes me feel numb and foggy. I don't have the emotion. It's like watching my life from the bleachers. I can see what I'm doing but without much emotion. I'm just there.

I'm tired all the time. I only live to sleep. I do what I have to knowing that I can sleep when I'm done. This isn't living. To me this is just passing time until I die. I try to make a list of things to do in a day. Then I feel overwhelmed and tired and put a movie on for the kids and go back to bed. In a way this is worse than dealing with depression without medicine. My husband wants his wife back, my children want a mother. I'm lost somewhere. I know this isn't me but what do I do?

Isn't there a way out of my head?

I'm tired now. I'm going to lay down and take a nap!

P.S. I'm okay, really! I've been fighting this same thing for years. I just wanted to document it today because I started off my medicine yesterday and I want to have something written down so that I can track my progress. AND today is Friday (YEAH!!!!) and next week is Spring Break so I get to have my kiddos home with me all day every day. It should be a party.

TOP TEN Noises Worth Staying Up ALL Night Listening To!

The howling desert wind and rain.

Truckers using their Jake-Brakes to go from 60 to stop in less then a 1/2 mile distance.

The pattering of little feet booking it to my bed because of another bad dream.

The pounding in my head from a 2 week old head ache.

Hubby's snoring.

Neighbors blasted barking dog!

The play menu from Strawberry Shortcake playing over and over because I let K fall asleep watching TV again.

J coughing and coughing and coughing.

H crying and crying and crying. He's teething!

Every single detail, event, conversation, thought, etc. from yesterday playing over and over and over again in my head.

I am so going to need a nap today!

Thoughts....

Ready for church.

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J stayed home with strep so I left him watching K and H while I took A to the bus. My low fuel light kept dinging so after A got on the bus I decided to quickly get gas since I didn't have any of the little ones with me. As I was standing by my car filling it up, an older man that was using the other side of the same pump looks around at me and says, "I didn't know they still made young women so beautiful." I was a little creeped out and mostly shocked. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and mumbled "Thanks?"

I have a rule that I only put in $50 a paycheck so when I hit my limit I shut the pump off. This same man says, "Did you top it off?" "No, but I'm at my limit." He then hands me his gas hose and says, "Here, I'm full and I've already paid for this. Take what's left." There was only about $2.oo but he laughed and said it would get me a block further.

I left thinking, how strange. I am suspicious of kindness. I am cautious of strangers. I question the unknown.

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When I got home, my neighbor was at my front door talking to J. She told me that she was in her front room when she saw this little girl go flying past her house, no shoes, no coat, no parent. She told her girls to run catch that girl. By the time they caught up to her she was home. It was my K out looking for me and mad because I had left her home. I thanked the neighbor for her kindness and apologized for my lack of mothering skills. I grabbed K to bring her in for a little chat and when I opened the door, H was smiling at me with his hands in the toilet.

I am a good mom. I AM a good mom. I am A good mom. I am a GOOD mom. I am a good MOM! I am a good mom!

Someday..... ?

Wasting away....

My daughter keeps asking me today if I am going to die. I finally asked her why she thinks I'm going to die. She said it's because I'm so old. I asked her how old she thought I was. She said "12" I didn't dare tell her how old I really am. Then she would really be scared I was going to die.

Speaking of old, I was tempted by Mom Interrupted to get a facebook account. So I did! I'm so excited! I now have 5 friends. They are my 3 sisters, 1 brother and 1 brother-in-law. Thank goodness for family and since they won't talk to me on my blog, maybe they will talk to me on facebook, except I have no clue how to work the silly thing. They'll have to do all the talking and for once, I'll be forced to listen.

Okay, here's the part about feeling old. I can't find anyone my age-ish that I know on facebook! What's up with that? Blogging seems to be alot of young moms, which I am, right? But I get so excited when I find a mom with lots of kids and over 30. Facebook seems to be young single adults or REALLY old mom's (I'm an old mom too, remember?) keeping an eye on their high school and college kids social life. At least I am still ahead of my kids on this one. (Barely!)

So, do you have a facebook account? Do you want to be friends?