I've had some weird sleep experiences lately. My legs are very restless. I always have a headache and I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I have no idea if I am sleeping or awake at night because I am aware of things all night long. Sometimes things happen that are real, sometimes they are in my dreams but my mind is going all the time and I'm beginning to get confused.
I'll be sitting on the toilet trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, I wake up and realize that it was a dream and I am so thankful that my body knew not to go. So then I get up and head to the bathroom. As I'm sitting there trying to go, I'm thinking this is exactly the same as a few minutes ago. Only this time I think, I hope, I'm awake and on the toilet. It seems like whether I am awake or asleep, my brain is always in a dreamy state.
There are other things. Things that scare me. I think I'm going crazy. I already take 10 pills a day. What more do I need to do?
I decided to pray for help. I begged and pleaded for an answer. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet when I thought to look up side effects of the meds that I'm on.
Whoa....here's my answer!
It now time for bed and I have my handful of pills to take. I'm looking at these things thinking, if I take them, I am just drugging my body, but if I don't, I'll get sick. Which is worse? Being drugged or being sick?
Why can't I just be normal?
One of the meds I take is for depression. That is the one that I am having the most side effects from. I'm scared to continue taking it for fear of it continuing to dominate and control me. But I've gone off of it before and I always come back to this same place. I love the feeling of freedom I feel when my body is free of the anti-depressant. "I feel like a real boy, Geppetto." But, slowly, I get lower and lower until I am no longer functioning and then I beg my doctor for help and he puts me back on the pills and tells me not to go off of them again.
Yet,now,even on medicine, I feel like I'm always low, just not the same. The medicine makes me feel numb and foggy. I don't have the emotion. It's like watching my life from the bleachers. I can see what I'm doing but without much emotion. I'm just there.
I'm tired all the time. I only live to sleep. I do what I have to knowing that I can sleep when I'm done. This isn't living. To me this is just passing time until I die. I try to make a list of things to do in a day. Then I feel overwhelmed and tired and put a movie on for the kids and go back to bed. In a way this is worse than dealing with depression without medicine. My husband wants his wife back, my children want a mother. I'm lost somewhere. I know this isn't me but what do I do?
Isn't there a way out of my head?
I'm tired now. I'm going to lay down and take a nap!
P.S. I'm okay, really! I've been fighting this same thing for years. I just wanted to document it today because I started off my medicine yesterday and I want to have something written down so that I can track my progress. AND today is Friday (YEAH!!!!) and next week is Spring Break so I get to have my kiddos home with me all day every day. It should be a party.
14 comments:
i am not a professional, so i'm not even going to try and give you advice. although i find it hugely coincidental that immediately after reading your post, i clicked over to my friend's, and here was her post for the day:
http://suziepetunia.blogspot.com/
check it out, it's called "i am awesome". it's almost like reading the same post twice.
email me if you want. i wish i could help you out a bit. hang in there girl. figure out what you need to do.
Wow. I could have written this post. It's why I finally decided to manage my depression & anxiety without meds, because even at my lowest, at least I felt human. There was a point I realized that the meds weren't really erasing the pain of depression, just pushing them back.
"I've had some weird sleep experiences lately. My legs are very restless. I always have a headache and I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I have no idea if I am sleeping or awake at night because I am aware of things all night long. Sometimes things happen that are real, sometimes they are in my dreams but my mind is going all the time and I'm beginning to get confused."
That paragraph has been really true for me lately, and I'm not taking any medication. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really asleep because in the morning I don't feel tired enough to have laid awake all night.
I don't have any answers or suggestions, but to hang in there.
Wow! You are dealing with quite alot!
I can't say that I understand but I am thinking of you. So sorry about the ongoing headache and lack of sleep. Those two alone drive me to insanity and lead to minor depression. I can't imagine being at the point you are.
I hope you find comfort and answers!
Well, part of this sounds like a clinically exhausted mommy. Maybe other parts sound like your meds need to be adjusted or changed. My husband had to go through several different meds to find just the right ones. Make sure to talk to your doc...maybe print off this blog post and bring it with you. Good idea to document it, and good luck to you! ~xo
Hang in there! maybe talk to your doctor tell him exactly how you feel & maybe he can adjust your meds or try something different.... I know what you mean about hubby wanting his wife back & the kids their mother!!! praying that you find an answer & feel better soon :) xx
I take 9 pills for breakfast...I mean with breakfast. 5 more at dinner and I'm supposed to take 4 more at bedtime, but I forget those most of the time. If there is anything I know, it's about pills.
I'm a big believer in taking the pills you need and not taking the pills you don't need.
Right now I'm 3 months post-pardem. I NEED my anti-depressants. In a month, I'll re-evaluate and see. But different things work for different people.
First, there are soooooooo many different kinds of anti-depressants that you should be able to find one that doesn't do that.
The first one I was put on (after Anson was born) made me shake. The next one didn't do that, but let's just say I didn't have much interest in my hubby. The 3rd time was the charm for me.
My depression is PPD, so with Annika, I was only on it for the last 2 months of pregnancy and 4 months PPD. I've been on the same med again with Beck for 5 months. I will probably be on a bit longer 'cause of Wendell's schedule.
My older sis probably had to try 7-8 meds before the doc found one that worked that her insurance will cover, but she's doing so much better.
I girlfriend of mine swears by therapy. Having someone to talk to regularly helped her to reduce and eventually go off her meds. In fact, as she got better the therapy became less frequent, too. Still, she could go see this woman every now and then when she just wasn't feeling right.
So, as a fellow pill taker (and a long time pill taker) here is my advice. 1) Talk to you doc about changing meds. Just a warning here, antidepressants are tricky stuff. If you want to go off, don't go off cold turkey, wean down the dose gradually over a few weeks. 2)Look into getting a therapist. I know they are expensive, but so are drugs. It is money well spent.
(((HUGS))) If there is anyway you can take a little vacation, you should. Can Ken take off work and you can go to Blogapalooza? Or something else. Maybe on Ken's day off you could just take off and not come home all day. You will feel a lot better. :)
oh Laurie I commend you for posting this. When I was working as a pharmacy tech we'd have so many people come to us with similar stories like yours asking if it was normal and if indeed it was the medicine....they said they completely felt like they were losing all control and prayed it was just the medicine. Which indeed it was. When they switched meds it took a while to actually feel a difference for the other med to totally get out of the system and then for the new med to start to work but eventually it did and many people had success. I hope you can find the right med for you because honestly some people just have an imbalance and truely need the med. but each and every single one of us are so different that it may take a bit to find the match for you. I wish you the best and hang in there. Hopefully the weather will be really nice this next week so that you and the kids can have some nice spring weather to enjoy. Hang in there!!!!
whatever meds you are taking obviously aren't working for you, so please don't feel guilty about making a change. For people who do well on them, antidepressants are a tremendous relief. Those folks feel normal again, not drugged. If you decide to go back on meds, think you need to talk to a doctor who is willing to help you find something that works for you instead of just saying "take this and don't stop." There are different options.
As far as natural possibilities, exercise and sunshine are two of the biggest natural serotonin boosters. Some people also find St John's Wort helpful. You can buy in inexpensively over the counter.
I'll be praying for you. Good luck.
I don't have much to add from all the other comments, but my first thought was to try and get the meds changed. What we know about psychology and how the brain really works is light years behind other medical info. It's still trial and error in lots of ways. Hang in there and make sure they get it right...no matter how long it takes!
I think you probably do need to switch medications. You shouldn't have to feel like that, you have options. I am a firm believer that medication won't take the depression away completely, but it should help you to handle it better. Without those kind of side effects.
AND..
You need Lori time. And friends. And fun and laughter. Call me....
The medication for depression is meant to lift your mood to a point where you can start to work through your problems through therapy. Medication must always be paired with therapy if you want the best treatment for depression. Therapy teaches you how to cope without having to be on medication. If you just use medication then you never learn the skills you need to cope--you just cover up the problems. Anyway--that is my opinion on the matter and what I have learned during the past 7 years of my schooling. And like everyone else says, change the medication as well--it can take a while to get the right one that works for you. Let your doctor know what is going on for sure! Hang in there!
Although “men are, that they might have joy” (2 Ne. 2:25), this does not mean that our lives will be filled only with joy, “for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things” (2 Ne. 2:11). Happiness is not given to us in a package that we can just open up and consume. Nobody is ever happy 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Rather than thinking in terms of a day, we perhaps need to snatch happiness in little pieces, learning to recognize the elements of happiness and then treasuring them while they last.
***This was in a talk by James E. Faust.
I'm sorry Laurie. I know all too well how you feel.
I'm sorry that you have all that on your plate. My sister deals with depression issues, she has not taken meds for them, but she deals daily with the desire to stay in bed. I hope you can find a balance. Good luck.
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