The Closing of Another Chapter

Tomorrow is Alexys' last counseling session. It was 15 months ago yesterday that Alexys confided her abuse to me. I wrote this post that evening. I was so sad. I knew our lives would never be the same. I couldn't say much to anyone, especially here because Ken's family read my blog so I just kept it all inside. The last 15 months have been the hardest trial I have ever had to face as a mother. I felt so helpless and so angry! I felt so hurt and so sad. I blamed myself and I let Ken's family focus their hate towards me. I acted immaturely and irrational at times. Some relationships have been ruined, while others have been strengthened. Fifteen months later, I'm relieved to say, "WE SURVIVED!"

Alexys has overcome so much this last year. She has gone from having daily emotional breakdowns to only an occasional irrational outburst. Last year she missed so much school. We had to address riding the bus to school, riding the bus home from school, recess, boys, sleeping arrangements, unlocked windows, nightmares, hugs, affection of any kind, preparing for court, relationship boundaries, the list goes on and on and those are only the fears we could identify. Most times she just sat and cried for no explainable reason at all, and I sat and cried with her. When she was little, she was such an easy, happy baby. People have always naturally been drawn to her because she is just so sweet. It was hard to watch her go through this last year. I often wondered if I would ever hear her laugh again or give a hug without first hesitating. I missed her beautiful smile and that innocent twinkle in her eyes. I can honestly say that she is back. She is not the same, she never can be, but she is happy and she is strong! Time, along with alot of counseling and many, many prayers, has worked a miracle in our lives.

As a mother, I would do anything within my power to protect my child. I believed that mother's would just know everything and use their super hero powers to make everything all better. I learned this year that my powers are limited and I couldn't protect her from everything. I didn't know everything and I didn't have any super hero powers that could take her pain away and make the world all better. But I knew I was her mother and I would do what ever I could, even if it was just to hold her as we both cried together. As we were going through the investigation, I was told to not talk to her about anything. I was told that when she did come to me with something, I was not to show any type of reaction. I was not very obedient. When she would tell me details of her abuse or talk about her fears, when she would wake up crying from a bad dream or panic when she had to go to school, my heart would hurt so much and the only thing I knew to do was cry with her. I couldn't help it. I couldn't take away her pain, but I could share it with her. She wasn't alone. I felt so helpless and I wanted her to know that she had a mother who loved her so much. I would walk along side her every step of the way, no matter how long or hard this journey would be. I know I'll never be able to understand everything she has experienced or felt and I don't mean to minimize her situation by saying this is about me in any way. She is the one with the real super hero powers. She is my hero in a little 7 year old body.

You did it, Princess! You did it!

It's Monday!

Since my last two posts were a little gloomy, I wanted you to know that I really am doing okay. Today was my day in the school so Kate and Henry had to go to daycare. Today is the first day that Henry has NOT cried when I left him. He was nervous and whimpering a little bit but not huge fit like he has done every other time. It's amazing how much better that made my day go.

I took the advice of my 4 year old and wore my confidence through pretty clothes and lots of makeup; my my red sweater and high heeled boots. I flipped my hair out today and decided that I would fake my confidence and let someone else call my bluff. It worked!


(I promise, no more pictures of me for a while!! I just wanted to show you that I'm doing much better with life today. I still hate my bangs!!! and think you can see a little too much of my face but it was nice to not have it hanging in my eyes and when it gets too long I start to feel drug down so this is a good change for me. I know, get over it already, it's just hair! I am, not more hair posts!)

So, on to some other non-sense:

Here's a list of foods my kids refuse to eat:
Zach hates cheese!
Justyn hates eggs, tomatoes, and mushrooms!
Shaelynne hates bread!
Alexys hates chicken and other hard to chew meats!
Kathryn hates chocolate!
Henry prefers to not eat anything! He still only likes to have drinks!
Ken hates peas, watermelon, and artichokes!
I hate hot cereal and cooked apples!

I am mean and I don't cater to the likes and dislikes of my children. Can you see why? What would I cook? These are the meals that can be entirely devoured by one child alone.
Zach loves stroganoff with rice!
Justyn loves pizza!
Shaelynne loves chicken and rice!
Alexys loves hoagies!
Kathryn loves...I don't know!
Henry loves pancakes!
Ken loves ribs!
I love french fries!

At least there's enough of us that we can rotate the meals around so that each child gets totally full at least once a week.

Still grouchy!

It's now Sunday afternoon and I have not done a very good job at being the kind of mother I had psyched myself up to be this weekend. Friday night I did homework all night with the intention of having my weekend free for my kids. That meant that I shooed my kids away all night as I tried to remember this stupid math that I learned in 8th grade (and actually did well in)but can't remember any of it now. It's so frustrating and when my kids needed fed, taxied to play dates, read to, talked to, and just loved, I put them off with the excuse of "Just let me finish this and then I'll get to you." By the time I got to them, they were all asleep.

Saturday I woke up with a migraine and that set my day off bad. We were supposed to clean the church as a ward but Ken was called into work that morning so I was on my own. I got up, took some medicine and went right back to bed. I finally took the boys over to help for an hour while I came back home to try to pull my day together. My house was a mess and so I made the kids work the rest of the day. My house is really clean but what happened to all the great quality family time I had envisioned. As Ken took me out last night on our day-after-pay-day grocery shopping date, I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. I'm going to have to go back onto my depression medicine. I'm just not strong enough to pull it together on my own. I have to admit that I feel like I've failed!

To add to my grouchiness, I got my hair cut on Thursday and I feel scalped! This is the picture that keeps coming to my mind when I think about what my hair looks like. Okay, mine is a little longer than this but not much! I haven't had it this short in several years and I guess I just realized how vain and self-centered I really am. I really just like to hide behind my long hair. Shaelynne said to me, "Oh no! You are not my mom!" Kate said, "You just need to wear lots of make-up and pretty clothes so no one looks at your hair." Alexys said, "I guess family pictures are off!" Ken said, "Why is it that no one ever cuts your hair right?" I answer was, "Maybe it's not the hairstylists fault."

I had a friend once say that when we feel picked on or mistreated, we are probably picking on or mistreating someone else. My poor family! The thing that really disturbs me is that I can survive all the crap we have dealt with this last year with Ken's family but a silly hair cut flips me out.

Don't you just love self-portraits? Oh well, now you can see my problem.

This is not a sympathy post. I just hate realizing how self-centered I really am. The fact that I have behaved so badly to my children the last few days, just proves to me that I really am a brat!

Also, why do I always have headaches? GRRR!

Report Cards

Last week was parent-teacher conferences. I have some children that breeze through school and some that don't! Alexys and Justyn's teachers basically had nothing to talk about. They both have straight A's and have no behavior problems so we just talked about my classes. The teachers all know that I am in school pursuing an education degree because I get to spend time each week observing in their classes. I love it because I get to see my older kids and how they interact with their peers and teachers, I get to see the different teaching styles and I better understand their expectations for my children and I get to learn from their teaching techniques.

Shaelynne and Zachary's teachers had very different feedback for me. The common complaint was "I say something, they seem to get it, and then they turn in their homework and they have done it all wrong." "It appears to go in right but comes out scrambled." "We have no idea how to get through to them." Blah, Blah, Blah!

First, I really like all of the teachers. Like I said, I have spent time in each of their classrooms and they are all amazing teachers. Second, I know that my kids aren't perfect. Third, they try really hard! Fourth,I agree with the teachers, these two are not getting it. And Fifth, what am I supposed to do about it??????

So my mom instincts kick in here and I feel frustrated and defensive. I don't know how to help them understand what they are not getting. I've turn into a nagging mother constantly saying, "Is your homework done?" "Show me your homework!" "Get back to your homework!" The tension in our home is thick, especially between Zach and I. I had to sign a contract last night from the Principal that I would check his homework every night, feed him nutritious meals, put him to bed on time, have weekly contact with his teachers, read with him, and I can't remember what else. Funny thing is I already do all those things. Now I just do them with a really bad attitude.

I'm glad it's Friday. Hopefully, I can use the weekend to re-evaluate the needs of my children and do my part to make the few hours that my children are with me each day more pleasant. After I had finished lecturing Zach the other day, I put my arms around him and told him I loved him. He didn't say anything. I stepped back and looked in eyes and he had tears running down his face. I felt like scum. I hugged him again and kissed his cheek and apologized for not doing a better job at my mom job. Lately, I seem to do more things wrong then I do right. I only have him for 5 more years. I don't have much time left with him.

I know my kids are in the right place though. As I was visiting with the dance/p.e. teacher, we were discussing how different each of my children are. Then she became really emotional and told me that she had just bought hula-hoops for the first grade class to help them learn the waltz. I know very little about dance and so I had obviously had just missed something. I gave her a look of confusion. She smiled and said through her tears, "I know a little about Alexys from her teacher. I too was a victim of sexual abuse as a small child and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable dancing with a boy. I love her and I want her to know that my classroom is a safe place for her to be." Then she hugged me as we both cried. Later, I told Alexys about my conversation with her teacher. She gave me a hug and said, "I always wanted to grow up to be a teacher just like Mrs. J. Now I know that I can. I am going to be just like her. She is beautiful and strong, just like me!"

The Lord knows each of our individual needs, and he loves each one of us. Sometimes he sends his love to us through an angel, and sometimes he lets us be that angel in someone else's life.

Halloween Recap

I hate the effect that my homework has on my blog. I have no pictures from Halloween. I actually have no pictures of anything over the last couple of weeks. I take my camera with me, I just don't use it. I'm going to steal some pictures from my sisters blogs to update mine.

My mom had a Halloween party the weekend before Halloween. All of my siblings were there with their families except Lynnette, who lives in Indiana and Kami, whose on a mission in the Phillippines. My mom really knows how to throw a party! It was fun and the kids ate candy until they puked.

Kate as a princess!

Aly as a princess!

Henry as a puppy!

Ken as an uncle... :)

Most of the trick or treaters! You can see Justyn in his Harry Potter costume and Shaelynne was dressed up as Kelsi from High School musical. Zachary was dressed up as mature teenager and protested Halloween this year.

This is a glimpse into the chaos we lovingly call family! (I'm holding Henry in this picture).

On Halloween night, we invited my parents to come to my house. Since it was the first Halloween in years that the weather was somewhat decent (it only rained instead of snow and the weather was above freezing, very unusual for an Idaho Halloween) I let the older kids (just for the record, Zach only went as the adult chaperone) go trick or treating around the block. When they were wet, they came home and we had homemade chili, breadsticks, wassil,cheeseball and crackers and fruit pizza on chocolate chip dough. Then we watched the movie "Fly Boys" and Grandpa and Grandmp stayed the night with us for the first time ever. It was great! Thanks Mom and Dad!

Changes...

A few months ago our stake was split and we moved into the new South Stake. Our Bishop went into the Stake Presidency as a clerk so a couple weeks ago, we got a new bishop. One of the previous bishopric counselors was called as the bishop and he called the YM President to be one of his counselors, and the Elders Quorum President to be his other counselor. The High Priest group leader was called to the High Council, so that left alot change. It was hard for Zach to lose Brother J, and that change left him feeling unsure about things. As brother L was called as the new YM President, my boys are so excited about the new leaders. These leaders will play a very large role in the lives of my two older boys as they go through their teen years, and prepare for missions. As a mother, I can only do so much and then I pray for leaders who will love my boys, and meet the needs that I cannot fulfill. I have complete confidence that the leaders that the Bishop called will make this happen, and help my boys have a wonderful experience in both young men and scouting!

The other big change that our family experienced was having Ken called to serve as the Elders Quorum President. He was sustained and set apart on Sunday. I'm not sure what changes this means for our family but we know the Lord will bless us as Ken serves the brethren in his quorum. Ken has been on his knees a lot more lately.

Back to Normal

I took Zach into the chiropractor on Wednesday. He tried to work his muscles and Zach wouldn't hardly let him touch him. He finally decided that we needed to have x-rays taken. I had parent teacher conferences that afternoon and the imaging place is across the street from the school so I drug him with me. He sat in the car and was miserable while I visited with the other kids teachers. Then we went over and got his x-rays taken. They sent the films home with us but since Ken and I didn't have a clue what to look for, we had to wait until the doctor's office was open the next day to know what they showed.

Ken took the films to the doctor on Thursday. The radiologist had already sent his results over to the doctor, so after viewing the films, he told Ken that there was nothing wrong with Zach's back. Then he showed him this darky cloudy color that was all over the films. He asked Ken about Zach's bowel. Well....since Zach is 13, that is not really a question that Ken had an answer to. He called me and I honestly didn't have an answer either. I called Zach downstairs, asked him about his his history, embarrasssed him, and found out that he didn't really remember the last time either. I dug out some handy dandy medicine, and assigned him some homework!!

Problem solved! He's back to school today! I guess you could say he was just really full of it. :)