The Closing of Another Chapter

Tomorrow is Alexys' last counseling session. It was 15 months ago yesterday that Alexys confided her abuse to me. I wrote this post that evening. I was so sad. I knew our lives would never be the same. I couldn't say much to anyone, especially here because Ken's family read my blog so I just kept it all inside. The last 15 months have been the hardest trial I have ever had to face as a mother. I felt so helpless and so angry! I felt so hurt and so sad. I blamed myself and I let Ken's family focus their hate towards me. I acted immaturely and irrational at times. Some relationships have been ruined, while others have been strengthened. Fifteen months later, I'm relieved to say, "WE SURVIVED!"

Alexys has overcome so much this last year. She has gone from having daily emotional breakdowns to only an occasional irrational outburst. Last year she missed so much school. We had to address riding the bus to school, riding the bus home from school, recess, boys, sleeping arrangements, unlocked windows, nightmares, hugs, affection of any kind, preparing for court, relationship boundaries, the list goes on and on and those are only the fears we could identify. Most times she just sat and cried for no explainable reason at all, and I sat and cried with her. When she was little, she was such an easy, happy baby. People have always naturally been drawn to her because she is just so sweet. It was hard to watch her go through this last year. I often wondered if I would ever hear her laugh again or give a hug without first hesitating. I missed her beautiful smile and that innocent twinkle in her eyes. I can honestly say that she is back. She is not the same, she never can be, but she is happy and she is strong! Time, along with alot of counseling and many, many prayers, has worked a miracle in our lives.

As a mother, I would do anything within my power to protect my child. I believed that mother's would just know everything and use their super hero powers to make everything all better. I learned this year that my powers are limited and I couldn't protect her from everything. I didn't know everything and I didn't have any super hero powers that could take her pain away and make the world all better. But I knew I was her mother and I would do what ever I could, even if it was just to hold her as we both cried together. As we were going through the investigation, I was told to not talk to her about anything. I was told that when she did come to me with something, I was not to show any type of reaction. I was not very obedient. When she would tell me details of her abuse or talk about her fears, when she would wake up crying from a bad dream or panic when she had to go to school, my heart would hurt so much and the only thing I knew to do was cry with her. I couldn't help it. I couldn't take away her pain, but I could share it with her. She wasn't alone. I felt so helpless and I wanted her to know that she had a mother who loved her so much. I would walk along side her every step of the way, no matter how long or hard this journey would be. I know I'll never be able to understand everything she has experienced or felt and I don't mean to minimize her situation by saying this is about me in any way. She is the one with the real super hero powers. She is my hero in a little 7 year old body.

You did it, Princess! You did it!