A Favorite! (and a NOT so Favorite)

As I sat down to play on the computer this morning, I thought, "I'll just do a little laundry so that I'm not totally wasting my time." I pulled out the laundry from last night and found:


Okay, let's take a minute and talk about how ink all over the inside of my dryer makes me feel....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now that we've covered that topic, let's move on to what I really was going to post this morning.

Yesterday, after Ali went to kindergarten, Kate was feeling sad. She said to me, "Mom, I really need to call my Grandma." I was busy, doing laundry (Ha!), and, wanting her to give me an answer that would be worth me time to stop what I was doing and help her, I asked her "Why?" She answered, "Because, Mom, she's my best Grandma in the whole world and I just love her so, so much." So, we called Grandma! And since Grandma lives too far away to babysit, I took advantage of her time and let her babysit over the phone.



Kate talked to Grandpa first and told him we were all sick, which we aren't but she's a good story teller, and then she talked to Grandma for forever. She walked around in circles on this rug the entire time. She's a very busy talker and I got alot done while Grandma got to listen to her talk and talk and talk. Thanks Mom!

Just a final thought:


Henry insisted on helping me clean the dryer and since the opening is only big enough for one large mommy body, the little baby body fit nicely inside where he was able to be my very big helper.

Rough and Tough

Justyn has told me since Shaelynne was born that he had a little brother coming. After two more girls, he was running out of chances. We gave his brother one more opportunity to come, and thankfully he did. Henry thinks Justyn is the coolest thing ever, and Justyn thinks Henry is way too funny. They are similar in alot of ways but Justyn never threw a fit as a baby, he just held it all in until he exploded, which wasn't until he was about 5 years old. Henry, on the other hand, has major breakdowns all day long.

One day Henry was outside running down the sidewalk. He tripped and landed in a pile of powdery dirt. Now, if this would have been Justyn, he would have gotten up laughing and licking the dirt off his hands, but not Henry. When he stood up he was covered from head to toe in white dust. He was so mad! He started screaming and kicking the sidewalk. When that didn't make him feel better he decided to hit it also. The more he hit and kicked the dirtier he got and the dirtier he got the madder he became. He was so angry. We threw him in the bath tub which then made him mad at the bath and he forgot about the sidewalk. Once he was dried off and dressed he was calmed down and ready to go play again, until the next thing came along and he was ticked off all over again.



Henry is crazy. The rougher you play, the more he likes it. He never gets mad or upset when he is roughing around. He likes to hit his head on things. He'll do something to hurt himself, think about it for a second, and then either get really mad or do it again just because he liked the pain. He will come up and give you a kiss and then smack you in the face as hard as he can and take off running and laughing. He has become way too much help in the kitchen. Out of the entire silverware rack in the dishwasher full of utensils, he likes to grab all the sharp knives and stab them them into the linoleum floor. I just had my floor replaced on Friday. He better not do that again. He likes to find the cords plugged into the walls and follow them to see what they go to. Then he'll grab it and pull really hard and watch it fall. I will be replacing a lamp thanks to this experiment. I'm sure my other boys were this much fun but after three girly-girls, Henry is a shock to our home! I have to admit, I've worried about him not having another boy around close to his age to play with, but I think he'll be able to hold his own. Even at 14 months, he knows that Barbies are for pulling their heads off and tea parties are for terrorizing with sticks and scary monster noises.



Want a back rub?

We love YouTube! Do You?

Ken pulled this video up, not my favorite, but in case you ever decided to over indulge at Taco Bell. I know you're day is better knowing this piece of information:)


My kids all time favorite video:


Mine: (I know I've posted this before but since I am still a mom, I am still saying these same things everyday, everyday, everyday....so I still like it)


Ken's favorite video, for this week anyways:

BLUtube is powered by PoliceOne.com

What's your favorite YouTube video?

Another gloomy post....It's okay to skip reading this one.

I appreciate every one's kind words of encouragement over this whole ordeal with my daughter (see here). The reality is that I really am not handling it very well at all. I am an emotional nut job right now. We have been working through this since last summer. We have been up in the air about if Alexys was going to have to testify or not. Finally, a couple months ago, with a little encouragement from the courts, we finally got a confession which meant she would not have to testify. But then it was just the waiting and wishing it would all end so we could move on in our lives. There were periods of time when I couldn't even get out of bed. I don't know why this affected me so hard. It wasn't me that was the victim, yet I have felt so much guilt and have received so much blame. Instead of fighting back (which I actually did have one moment of fight in me when I announced they were all dead to me. After enjoying the moment of freedom, I then felt immense guilt, tried to apologize, and will have that held against me for the rest of my life along with every other thing I have ever said or done) I have shouldered all the hate and blame. I hate the guilt that I feel. I wish I could be angry at them all, but I can't get past the feelings of hurt. I have spent over 13 years trying to win their love and approval. I have repeatedly gotten down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, like a dog, for things which I did not do but I felt like that was my role in the family, the kicking post. If it meant that we could all live together in harmony and love, then I'll be the family scape goat. Now, when my own family is hurting the most, I feel totally betrayed. Not only did they not stick by us, they blame us and have turned so many people against us. I'm not a bad person, really. I am a mother who is just trying to keep her family together, and a wife who watches her husband in pain and feels guilty that he has had to give up so much because he continues to choose me, and a daughter/sister-in-law who just wants to be loved and accepted, not constantly judge and criticized.

The fallout since the sentencing has been intense for those around me who have not turned against me. I have once again been blamed and hated and that's okay but I just wish I knew how to not take it all so personally. If it means that the two people involved in this case can get help, my daughter and the other person, then it is worth it to let the blame be placed on me. I just can't get it all to stop playing over and over again in my head. I find myself in tears constantly. I feel like I understand it all but emotionally I can't disconnect from it all.


I apologize for turning this blog into a venting place for me now that it is private. Before, when it was open, I had people reading it who do not like me at all right now so I had to be careful what I said because they were out to use everything against me. Since I could not block them individually, I had to go to invitation only. I hate the thought that I had to once again give into them and let them have that kind of control over my personal life. I really like blogging. It's my time way. I've tried to make this my happy place because sometimes that's the only way I remember how much the Lord really loves me and blesses me each day. So now, I guess I am just letting it all out. I've also fallen way behind in reading your blogs. I am sorry. I am still here, I'm just slower now than before. I'll try to not turn this blog into a negative place. Maybe I need to take some time off. I just didn't want to give you the false sense that I am this amazingly strong person. I'm not. But maybe someday I will be. For now it is just survival.

Okay, now for something more fun. For FHE last night, Ken rallied the troops with a pep song. Zach, who is my adorable guitar playing, rock-n-roll obsessed teenager, put on a show for us all. Sorry the video is so dark, we were in my bedroom and because it was late, the lighting was bad. You get the general idea though. Fun times.

What do guacamole ranch and winning the lottery have to do with each other?

Nothing! They are just both mentioned in this post:)

Ken and I went out to eat at Chili's on Saturday with Ken's cousin and his wife. We were seated at the table in the back next to the take out door. It was so COLD! If you are ever seated next to that door and it's cold outside, ask for a different table. They used that door constantly and we had that cold canyon wind blowing on us. I was not impressed! We asked them to move us, no room. We asked them for free hot chocolate, they laughed. We asked for the crappy table discount, no such thing. So, we just left a lousy tip.

I brought what was left of my dinner home. The kids opened it and asked me what was all over my fries. I told them it was guacamole ranch sauce.
Shaelynne: "Eew! That is so gross!"
Justyn: "Mom, why do you always have to try the gross stuff and ruin all your food."
Me: "I actually thought it was really good."
Justyn: "Yeah, you're weird so of course you would like weird stuff."
Me: "Try it. If you don't like it, then get out of it and I'll eat it but stop breathing your negative energy all over my food."
So, they tried it.
Shaelynne: "Yum! This is good. I really like it."
Justyn: "Wow! This is good. Great, now I'm turning weird just like Mom."
Shaelynne: "Well, I don't mind that I'm weird like Mom. It's kind of fun!"
Me: "Just eat and stop talking. And I wasn't weird until I had kids!"

AND now for some really really really great news.....

Alexys got accepted into the charter school for the next school year. Hooray!!!!!! She made it through the lottery.
She's had a good year at the public school but she is very excited to go to the same school as the other kids.

What A Mother Does

My sweet child,

My heart overflowed with emotion as I caught my first glimpse of you. I begged them to quickly place you in my arms, so beautiful and perfect, and I knew you were a precious child loved by Heavenly Parents but that for this time on earth, it would be my honor and privilege to call you mine. And I named you Alexys Rose.

I knew from those first few precious moments as I tasted your first sweet breaths of air and smelled the newness of your life, that I would love you beyond the limits of my human imagination.

As you grew, your personality blossomed. You were so happy and flighty. You were like a butterfly, fluttering from flower to flower, soaking in all the world around you and leaving each moment more beautiful than the one before because you had been there.

We soon learned that inside your little, petite body was a big heart and strong spirit and everyone around you was drawn to your innocence and inner beauty.

One summer day, we were swinging in the back yard, watching the squirrels as they chased a bird around the branches of the big ash tree. And you wondered how two creatures so different from one another could live together so happily in the same tree when people who are so much alike can't live peacefully together on the same big earth. And you wished to be a fairy because then you could play in the trees with the birds and the squirrels.....Then off you ran to play and I was left alone to be amazed at your huge insight into such a complex thought. And I wondered who you would become and why I had been so blessed to be loved by you.

As I look back at all that you have been through over the last year, I am so impressed with how much you have grown and I'm so proud of how many fears and nightmares you have faced and conquered. And through it all, your heart is still so innocent and beautiful.

And as I look at all the relationships that have been sacrificed, all the hurt and pain that has been felt as I have done everything in my power to right the wrong that was done to you, and all the things that I have kept silent in my heart so that you could have the chance to mend and learn to fly again, I can't help but feel sadness. I realize that you will miss out on relationships that rightfully should have been yours. I find myself doubting my decisions and I wonder what I could have done differently?....or better?....or maybe just not at all. I want to blame myself. I want to trade places with you. I want to take away your suffering. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I hope and pray that in the end, I did it right.

And then today when my heart and mind were heavy with sorrow, I watched you flutter from one thing to the next. Hearing your laughter was music to my ears and seeing your smile and soaking in your happiness and contentedness, filled my heart with so much joy and I found myself realizing that I am so thankful for my sweet, little butterfly, And though your wings were once damaged they were not broken. You have healed and you are stronger now and more beautiful than ever.

And I felt a soft, peace engulf my entire being, as I realized and accepted the knowledge that, without question, I would sacrifice everything, again and again, just for you!

Because you are my child
And I am your mother

And that's what a mother does.

Cheer up!

Today has been a rough day. I hate knowing that I have offended someone or that I can't fix things that are wrong. So, after having some negative self pitying thoughts, the words "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" kept going through my head. These words have actually gone through my head many times over the last several months. It's my version of "positive self talk" therapy. Honestly, I had no idea where this song came from and I'm not sure I'd ever heard the whole thing before so I looked it up on YouTube.

So, pretty much this was the funniest thing I watched all day. It's not at all what I pictured when I thought of this song. Life really is better with a little Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire though. Enjoy!


I still like the words though. So, the next time you feel knocked to the ground, sing these words:
Pick yourself up!
Dust yourself off!
And Start all over again!

It really does work!