I appreciate every one's kind words of encouragement over this whole ordeal with my daughter (see
here). The reality is that I really am not handling it very well at all. I am an emotional nut job right now. We have been working through this since last summer. We have been up in the air about if Alexys was going to have to testify or not. Finally, a couple months ago, with a little encouragement from the courts, we finally got a confession which meant she would not have to testify. But then it was just the waiting and wishing it would all end so we could move on in our lives. There were periods of time when I couldn't even get out of bed. I don't know why this affected me so hard. It wasn't me that was the victim, yet I have felt so much guilt and have received so much blame. Instead of fighting back (which I actually did have one moment of fight in me when I announced they were all dead to me. After enjoying the moment of freedom, I then felt immense guilt, tried to apologize, and will have that held against me for the rest of my life along with every other thing I have ever said or done) I have shouldered all the hate and blame. I hate the guilt that I feel. I wish I could be angry at them all, but I can't get past the feelings of hurt. I have spent over 13 years trying to win their love and approval. I have repeatedly gotten down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, like a dog, for things which I did not do but I felt like that was my role in the family, the kicking post. If it meant that we could all live together in harmony and love, then I'll be the family scape goat. Now, when my own family is hurting the most, I feel totally betrayed. Not only did they not stick by us, they blame us and have turned so many people against us. I'm not a bad person, really. I am a mother who is just trying to keep her family together, and a wife who watches her husband in pain and feels guilty that he has had to give up so much because he continues to choose me, and a daughter/sister-in-law who just wants to be loved and accepted, not constantly judge and criticized.
The fallout since the sentencing has been intense for those around me who have not turned against me. I have once again been blamed and hated and that's okay but I just wish I knew how to not take it all so personally. If it means that the two people involved in this case can get help, my daughter and the other person, then it is worth it to let the blame be placed on me. I just can't get it all to stop playing over and over again in my head. I find myself in tears constantly. I feel like I understand it all but emotionally I can't disconnect from it all.
I apologize for turning this blog into a venting place for me now that it is private. Before, when it was open, I had people reading it who do not like me at all right now so I had to be careful what I said because they were out to use everything against me. Since I could not block them individually, I had to go to invitation only. I hate the thought that I had to once again give into them and let them have that kind of control over my personal life. I really like blogging. It's my time way. I've tried to make this my happy place because sometimes that's the only way I remember how much the Lord really loves me and blesses me each day. So now, I guess I am just letting it all out. I've also fallen way behind in reading your blogs. I am sorry. I am still here, I'm just slower now than before. I'll try to not turn this blog into a negative place. Maybe I need to take some time off. I just didn't want to give you the false sense that I am this amazingly strong person. I'm not. But maybe someday I will be. For now it is just survival.
Okay, now for something more fun. For FHE last night, Ken rallied the troops with a pep song. Zach, who is my adorable guitar playing, rock-n-roll obsessed teenager, put on a show for us all. Sorry the video is so dark, we were in my bedroom and because it was late, the lighting was bad. You get the general idea though. Fun times.
19 comments:
I don't think that the way you're feeling makes you any less strong! You are dealing with what you have to, the only way that you can. That's being strong! And I am still amazed by your spirit!
Laurie, My thoughts and prayers are with you at this dark time. Please don't stop blogging. Your words are uplifting to all of us, even if you feel they are gloomy. You never know who is going through something similar. You have a beautiful way with words. You touch our hearts and make us think. Everyone loves your blog because you are so open and honest. We all know that life isn't hunky dory all the time. It is full of hills and valleys. Right now you are in a deep valley. Others are too, and you help us with your words, and thoughts. We will all come to the hill, but we have to climb out of the valley to get to the top. It is hard work. We may fall back into the valley. We may let others push us back down, but when we read your words we know that we are not alone. That we can help each other. One of my favorite songs is a Canadian folk song by a group called Chor Leoni, called "We Rise Again". The words are:
"When the waves roll on over the waters
And the ocean cries
We look to our sons and daughters
To explain our lives
As if a child could tell us why
That as sure as the sunrise
As sure as the sea
As sure as the wind in the trees
We rise again in the faces
of our children
We rise again in the voices of our song
We rise again in the waves out on the ocean
And then we rise again
When the light goes dark with the forces of creation
Across a stormy sky
We look to reincarnation to explain our lives
As if a child could tell us why
That as sure as the sunrise
As sure as the sea
As sure as the wind in the trees
We rise again in the faces
of our children
We rise again in the voices of our song
We rise again in the waves out on the ocean
And then we rise again
We rise again in the faces
of our children
We rise again in the voices of our song
We rise again in the waves out on the ocean
And then we rise"
You just have to keep getting up. We are all here to help each other make it back to the top of the hill.
Have you tried to talk to someone, even if it is just your bishop. He can at least help point you in the right direction. I know that our bishop really helped my mom and dad when we were going through a similar trial. He helped save our family by helping our parents deal with everythig that was going on. I know you can do it Laurie! I know that you don't think you are stong but you are! And we are all here to help you! We love you! Love Aprel :)
This whole thing has been so hard and has been made harder because it dragged out for so long and so many emotions and other people muddled things up. It is not your fault--they may try to place blame on you, but we know the truth. You are not to blame for this and don't ever feel like you are. Time will make things better. If you listen back to Richard G. Scott's talk at conference, we can all be healed through Christ. He can take our pain and sorrow away and make us whole again. Life has many precious things in store for you and your family--seek out those things. Don't let this horrible act taint the rest of your life--you all deserve so much more. You can't change what happened, but you can choose what happens from here on out. You can't change other people and they may never forgive you (or me for that matter) but that is out of your control.
On my bathroom wall I read this saying everyday:
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Choose to be in control and not let this control you! You can not only get through this, but get through this and be better off than you were before! There are many sources to go for help--prayer, scriptures, your family and friends, your bishop, and counseling--just to name a few. Know that I love you and have confidence that you can make it through this a better person! Life will be beautiful again!
Hey, it's your blog, write whatever ou want. I'm still thinking you're a much better person than me because if this happened and people treated me like they are treating you, I would write them off completely. That's insane that someone is blaming you for this! Ohhhh,seriouly makes me angry thinking about this. You and your family are the victoms and this inno way is your fault!!! It sounds like you have some seriously ignorant family members who needto grow up. Sorry for sounding so mean, but for me, they would be dead to me from the moment this happened. I just can't believe this!
and I want you to vent on here. If no one else will give you support, then I will.
You certainly put things in perspective for me. I was going to write my own gloomy post the other day when I was feeling sorry for myself. I really have nothing to complain about, and have certainly not had to deal with anything as serious as your situation. I pray that you and your family will be blessed with peace and comfort to help you get through this.
I can barely imagine how hard this would be. You have to what is best for you and your daughter. They've made their choices and so have you-- you chose your daughter and your family. What's best for her is what's best! Breathe in .... breathe out! Hey it's your blog, vent! :)
...oh yeah, and go Zach!!
Thanks for the invite to your blog. I am glad you are being honest with your feelings even though they are hard right now. What is the point of having friends if they don't support you in your darkest moments. I hope you realize that there are many out there who are praying for you and care for your family very much. Thanks for being REAL!
Oh Laurie...I hope you don't stop blogging. If this is a place for you to vent...then let it be so. I know that for me, reading your blogs really makes a difference for me - even the posts where you think you are venting.
You are strong...you are amazing. I know it probably doesn't feel that way to you, but if you could see yourself from a different perspective, you would understand!
I'm so glad to be able to read your blog. I love how honest you are. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We are all here for you, I just wish there was something I could do to help. Please let me know if I can help with anything. Even if it is just watching your kids for a bit so you can have a break. Really, don't hesitate to ask, that is why I'm offering. I want you to know that our family is praying for not only your daughter but your whole family. I hope that through all this you may be able to have peace in your life. You are a daughter of God and he loves you!!!
like i mentioned in the email... the first mother in law, i spent half my time trying to please, and still did everything wrong. this time around, i got another one just like the first, and i said forget it. my marriage, my happiness, is not coming at her price. talk to a counselor if you have to, but you have to learn how to let go of stuff. it's harder for some people than others. but once you can learn to let go, your life will be completely different, becuase you will have the skills you need to navigate it.
I am not good with words or writing. You can tell this by my blog and by my comments. Sometimes I choose not to say a whole lot, because I can never get my feelings out properly. I either sound completely unintellegent or insensitive. You are way more gifted in this area. I think letting it out on your blog could be a little more therapuetic. We are all here to tell you to not be so hard on yourself. I can not imagine what you have been through, but I already feel anger building up with the thoughts of it happening to my child.
I have a friend who constantly says "blood is thicker than water." She would chose her family over her husband in a heart beat. In this church we know that is not right, we are all family but our marriage is the relationship we should value most. (Although it is so hard to ever let go of the parent/child bond) We have to put our husbands and those that we are responsible for on a higher priority list than other family members. I think you are doing a fine job of that.
I hope what I am trying to say came through. It is a touchy subject even with people in the church.
Laurie please don't stop blogging!! you write about whatever you need to it's like a therapy in a way getting it out and not keeping it all bottled up! You feel guilty because you're the mum, we are supposed to protect our children... which YOU HAVE DONE!!!! you didn't ask for someone you trusted to come into your home and violate that trust.... they blame you because they FEEL guilty, ashamed & embarrassed... but it's so much easier to blame someone else!! Laurie you are an AMAZING person, wife & mum don't ever forget that... to open up on your blog has meant that we mums are ever more vigilant where our kids are concerned so a big, big thank you!!!! You are strong too!! with the Lord's grace,peace & love he will carry you all through this!! Laurie remember you are NOBODY'S kicking post!!! Love & prayers your way Tanya xxxx
Hey! Someday, you will be grateful for your ability to talk through your feelings. The healing process works much better when you are able to be honest with yourself and your feelings. You are not a bad person for feeling the way that you do! Josh always tells me to remember that Heavenly Fathers plan is a perfect plan and that repentance, and forgiveness, anger, guilt, etc. all have some in it. If we are able to stay close to Heavenly Father it will all work out the way it is supposed to in the end. You will become a much stronger person in the end because of you trials now.( I think that you really are helping a lot of other people, including myself more than you will ever know!) A lot of people love you!!
Laurie- I'm so sorry you've had to go through something so horrible and monsterous. I have no advice, but I'm a good listener. I hardly know you, but it hurts me you've been through so much. Because of all the hurt you are having, makes you a SUPERB mom! It shows you care more than you know how to deal with. I can only imagine the hurt our Heavenly Father has for us. We love you in blog world and are always here to listen if nothing else.
Oh, Laurie. I am so sorry. I'm finally getting back into the blog thing and reading about this just makes my heart ache for you. I wish I had wonderful words of encouragement. All I can say is that you've done the right thing. Your daughter's well being is so much more important than these other people, whether they're family or not.
Someone else mentioned Elder Scott's conference talk and I'd make the same suggestion. Read it and take it to heart. You can heal from this. You can learn to put the guilt behind you. You can find the strength to just put these people out of your family's life. The person who did this to your daughter did an evil thing. And while they can get help and even apologize and perhaps you all can even at some point forgive, you still aren't required to allow them access to your daughter or your family. If the other family members can't be supportive, then sometimes you just have to write them off. Pray for them, but write them off. It's ok to do. The gospel is true, but people do stupid, hurtful things to each other despite their gospel knowledge. Don't ever apologize for protecting your family, even if it's protecting them from other family.
If I can help in any way, I'm here!
I just wish in circumstances like these there was some magic button that could make it all better. My heart hurts for you.
Laurie, Thanks so much for trusting us with your feelings and thoughts. I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. My Bishop in Indiana always use to say, "This too shall pass". We go through stretches of stress and it seems like it will never end, but eventually it does. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you know how. You love your children and I can tell you really want what's best for them. You've got a lot on your plate and it can be overwhelming. You have a beautiful family and I'm grateful I can be a part of your life through blogging. One of my favorite sayings is "Tomorrow is a new day"! Lots of love to you.
Oh, Laurie. My heart aches for you! I wish thing didn't have to be this way - it's so sad and discouraging the way some people use their agency, and then we're left with the consequences.
Sometimes it's a comfort to me to remember that God will make everything right in the end, regardless of how understandable things are to us in this earthlife. Sometimes, though, it's not, and I'm left to deal with the frustrations and confusion and discouragements of being a human.
You are just so brave and strong to deal with something like this! So many people out there just turn a blind eye and let things go - but you're standing up for your beautiful daughter! And giving her a voice that she doesn't even know how to express! And giving her a chance to deal with this now, rather than trudge through life with it hanging over her head and wondering if the people closest to her believed her or not, and what they were going to do about it.
It's an ultimate sacrifice on your part. No one will ever know what it means, except God, and you.
And I think you should vent here if you want and need to! It's YOUR blog, and that is your right. We are your friends, and we love you, and want to help you in your times of need. You need a place to get these thoughts out of your mind, because otherwise they'll just spin and fester and be unmanageable. I'm actually glad you've gone 'private' and will be able to freely speak what's on your mind!! Do it!!
Hang in there, Laurie. You're doing great, regardless of how it seems sometimes. You are SO STRONG, I hope you know that. I admire you so much.
Bless you!! And your sweet, precious family!
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