Another gloomy post....It's okay to skip reading this one.

I appreciate every one's kind words of encouragement over this whole ordeal with my daughter (see here). The reality is that I really am not handling it very well at all. I am an emotional nut job right now. We have been working through this since last summer. We have been up in the air about if Alexys was going to have to testify or not. Finally, a couple months ago, with a little encouragement from the courts, we finally got a confession which meant she would not have to testify. But then it was just the waiting and wishing it would all end so we could move on in our lives. There were periods of time when I couldn't even get out of bed. I don't know why this affected me so hard. It wasn't me that was the victim, yet I have felt so much guilt and have received so much blame. Instead of fighting back (which I actually did have one moment of fight in me when I announced they were all dead to me. After enjoying the moment of freedom, I then felt immense guilt, tried to apologize, and will have that held against me for the rest of my life along with every other thing I have ever said or done) I have shouldered all the hate and blame. I hate the guilt that I feel. I wish I could be angry at them all, but I can't get past the feelings of hurt. I have spent over 13 years trying to win their love and approval. I have repeatedly gotten down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, like a dog, for things which I did not do but I felt like that was my role in the family, the kicking post. If it meant that we could all live together in harmony and love, then I'll be the family scape goat. Now, when my own family is hurting the most, I feel totally betrayed. Not only did they not stick by us, they blame us and have turned so many people against us. I'm not a bad person, really. I am a mother who is just trying to keep her family together, and a wife who watches her husband in pain and feels guilty that he has had to give up so much because he continues to choose me, and a daughter/sister-in-law who just wants to be loved and accepted, not constantly judge and criticized.

The fallout since the sentencing has been intense for those around me who have not turned against me. I have once again been blamed and hated and that's okay but I just wish I knew how to not take it all so personally. If it means that the two people involved in this case can get help, my daughter and the other person, then it is worth it to let the blame be placed on me. I just can't get it all to stop playing over and over again in my head. I find myself in tears constantly. I feel like I understand it all but emotionally I can't disconnect from it all.


I apologize for turning this blog into a venting place for me now that it is private. Before, when it was open, I had people reading it who do not like me at all right now so I had to be careful what I said because they were out to use everything against me. Since I could not block them individually, I had to go to invitation only. I hate the thought that I had to once again give into them and let them have that kind of control over my personal life. I really like blogging. It's my time way. I've tried to make this my happy place because sometimes that's the only way I remember how much the Lord really loves me and blesses me each day. So now, I guess I am just letting it all out. I've also fallen way behind in reading your blogs. I am sorry. I am still here, I'm just slower now than before. I'll try to not turn this blog into a negative place. Maybe I need to take some time off. I just didn't want to give you the false sense that I am this amazingly strong person. I'm not. But maybe someday I will be. For now it is just survival.

Okay, now for something more fun. For FHE last night, Ken rallied the troops with a pep song. Zach, who is my adorable guitar playing, rock-n-roll obsessed teenager, put on a show for us all. Sorry the video is so dark, we were in my bedroom and because it was late, the lighting was bad. You get the general idea though. Fun times.

What do guacamole ranch and winning the lottery have to do with each other?

Nothing! They are just both mentioned in this post:)

Ken and I went out to eat at Chili's on Saturday with Ken's cousin and his wife. We were seated at the table in the back next to the take out door. It was so COLD! If you are ever seated next to that door and it's cold outside, ask for a different table. They used that door constantly and we had that cold canyon wind blowing on us. I was not impressed! We asked them to move us, no room. We asked them for free hot chocolate, they laughed. We asked for the crappy table discount, no such thing. So, we just left a lousy tip.

I brought what was left of my dinner home. The kids opened it and asked me what was all over my fries. I told them it was guacamole ranch sauce.
Shaelynne: "Eew! That is so gross!"
Justyn: "Mom, why do you always have to try the gross stuff and ruin all your food."
Me: "I actually thought it was really good."
Justyn: "Yeah, you're weird so of course you would like weird stuff."
Me: "Try it. If you don't like it, then get out of it and I'll eat it but stop breathing your negative energy all over my food."
So, they tried it.
Shaelynne: "Yum! This is good. I really like it."
Justyn: "Wow! This is good. Great, now I'm turning weird just like Mom."
Shaelynne: "Well, I don't mind that I'm weird like Mom. It's kind of fun!"
Me: "Just eat and stop talking. And I wasn't weird until I had kids!"

AND now for some really really really great news.....

Alexys got accepted into the charter school for the next school year. Hooray!!!!!! She made it through the lottery.
She's had a good year at the public school but she is very excited to go to the same school as the other kids.

What A Mother Does

My sweet child,

My heart overflowed with emotion as I caught my first glimpse of you. I begged them to quickly place you in my arms, so beautiful and perfect, and I knew you were a precious child loved by Heavenly Parents but that for this time on earth, it would be my honor and privilege to call you mine. And I named you Alexys Rose.

I knew from those first few precious moments as I tasted your first sweet breaths of air and smelled the newness of your life, that I would love you beyond the limits of my human imagination.

As you grew, your personality blossomed. You were so happy and flighty. You were like a butterfly, fluttering from flower to flower, soaking in all the world around you and leaving each moment more beautiful than the one before because you had been there.

We soon learned that inside your little, petite body was a big heart and strong spirit and everyone around you was drawn to your innocence and inner beauty.

One summer day, we were swinging in the back yard, watching the squirrels as they chased a bird around the branches of the big ash tree. And you wondered how two creatures so different from one another could live together so happily in the same tree when people who are so much alike can't live peacefully together on the same big earth. And you wished to be a fairy because then you could play in the trees with the birds and the squirrels.....Then off you ran to play and I was left alone to be amazed at your huge insight into such a complex thought. And I wondered who you would become and why I had been so blessed to be loved by you.

As I look back at all that you have been through over the last year, I am so impressed with how much you have grown and I'm so proud of how many fears and nightmares you have faced and conquered. And through it all, your heart is still so innocent and beautiful.

And as I look at all the relationships that have been sacrificed, all the hurt and pain that has been felt as I have done everything in my power to right the wrong that was done to you, and all the things that I have kept silent in my heart so that you could have the chance to mend and learn to fly again, I can't help but feel sadness. I realize that you will miss out on relationships that rightfully should have been yours. I find myself doubting my decisions and I wonder what I could have done differently?....or better?....or maybe just not at all. I want to blame myself. I want to trade places with you. I want to take away your suffering. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to protect you. I hope and pray that in the end, I did it right.

And then today when my heart and mind were heavy with sorrow, I watched you flutter from one thing to the next. Hearing your laughter was music to my ears and seeing your smile and soaking in your happiness and contentedness, filled my heart with so much joy and I found myself realizing that I am so thankful for my sweet, little butterfly, And though your wings were once damaged they were not broken. You have healed and you are stronger now and more beautiful than ever.

And I felt a soft, peace engulf my entire being, as I realized and accepted the knowledge that, without question, I would sacrifice everything, again and again, just for you!

Because you are my child
And I am your mother

And that's what a mother does.

Cheer up!

Today has been a rough day. I hate knowing that I have offended someone or that I can't fix things that are wrong. So, after having some negative self pitying thoughts, the words "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again" kept going through my head. These words have actually gone through my head many times over the last several months. It's my version of "positive self talk" therapy. Honestly, I had no idea where this song came from and I'm not sure I'd ever heard the whole thing before so I looked it up on YouTube.

So, pretty much this was the funniest thing I watched all day. It's not at all what I pictured when I thought of this song. Life really is better with a little Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire though. Enjoy!


I still like the words though. So, the next time you feel knocked to the ground, sing these words:
Pick yourself up!
Dust yourself off!
And Start all over again!

It really does work!

My Mouse Problem, Part 4!

I still have a mouse problem. How do I know? And why has this turned into a mini series? Please, no part 5!

Ken has a turkey fryer that he loves. He uses it at Thanksgiving and maybe one other time during the year. He fills it up with peanut oil and fries us up a deliciously moist turkey!

He doesn't enjoy cleaning it though. He has a habit of leaving the grease in it all year long. Then he dumps it out just in time to use it. I think it's a little gross but it's too heavy for me to dump and I guess I just think it's his mess, he gets to clean it.

Yesterday, Justyn said, "Hey Mom, I think there's a frog in Dad's oil." Note: We live in Idaho and it's April! I doubt it's a frog!

I went and checked.....and about puked. I could see the beady eyes, long slimy tail and a big bloated body and it was definitely NOT a frog! And since it was in 30 quarts of oil, it was floating just below the surface so it looked kind of creepy-ish!

Ken is out of town for the week. When he left on Sunday, I noticed that the traps were set but they had no cheese in them. I asked Ken to put some food in them before he left. He laughed at me and said, "And if you catch something, who's going to dump them?" Good point! However, when Henry came walking out of the garage on Monday holding a set trap in each hand, I decided to ditch the traps.

So, back to the big pot of oil. We managed to catch mice, even without Ken's cheese, so now who's going to dump the dead mouse?

Since they didn't have to touch it in any way, I sent the boys out to dump it by the road. They came back very proud of themselves. They had paid the little 5 year old boy across the street 2$ to dump it. And instead of one mouse, there were 3 mice in the oil!

We put the pan back in the garage for Ken to figure out what to do with it when he gets home this weekend. Today, Shaelynne came in and informed me that we had caught two more mice over night in our pot of oil. There was just a little oil left in the bottom of the pot, just enough to drown 2 more mice. YUCK!!!!!

"I hope that we never loose sight of one thing:

that it all started by a Mouse."

~~Walter Elias Disney

Here's the recap:
The mouse house trap things didn't work at all for us!
The traps have been pretty consistent at catching the mice.
When the traps slowed down, we put out one of those noise things, with the traps still set, just in case.
We have the bar bait but if Henry can find the traps, he'll definitely get into the traps and that scares me.
And the pot of oil, 5 mice in 2 days! I'm thinking we will put water in it tonight and see what we get in the morning.

Now, I have a question. I was telling Ken's cousin about our newly found trap system. I told her that I was a little miffed about it though because now I would have to throw away the turkey fryer. In total seriousness she told me just to bleach it clean and use it again, not for trapping mice but for cooking turkey in it! The thought of that makes me ill but maybe I am being a little bit of a priss here. Is it worth buying another one after finding 5 dead mice in it? What would you do? Let's take a poll! See my sidebar to cast your vote!



P.S. I'm looking for a CAT!

From Storm Clouds to Rainbows

Thanks to all of you who made the switch over to here.

As I grow up, I am realizing that there are alot of subjects that people don't talk about. I can understand this a little but I also believe that if I know something that could help you, than I want to share that with you, whether it's information that you can enjoy or learn from. I should probably be more private, but I'm not. What you see is pretty much what you get.

Several months ago, I was visiting with one of my children. Without much thought, I asked a simple question, and the answer I received soon became the beginning of the biggest test of my life so far. Little did we know, we were headed into a storm that would hit us hard and shake us to our very core.



Someone I knew and trusted very much, had come into our home and violated my child while I slept soundly in my own bed. I suddenly found myself with two questions, How did this happen? and Why did my child not tell me about it immediately?


The next couple of weeks became a blur of interviews, examinations, counseling, questions and many, many tears. So many lives would be affected by one persons choice and when the dust finally began to settle, there was much damage that had been done.




Yesterday, for us, it finally came to an end. The legal system, when combined with faith and prayers, worked for us! For those on the other side, it is the beginning of change and the hope of healing. I believe that the best outcome for all was reached. Now we can begin to pick up the pieces and rebuild. Sadly, there are paths that may never cross again in this lifetime, but hopefully, all will find peace and comfort as we now wrap ourselves in the arms of the atonement.

When you walk through a storm,
Hold your head up high,
And don't be afraid of the dark,
At the end of a storm, there's a golden sky,
And the sweet silver song of a lark.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown...

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart,
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone...

My prayer for all of you.... Please, trust your instincts and be cautiously suspicious of everyone. Talk to your children, don't doubt the promptings you feel in your heart. You're the Mom! It's your right and duty to protect the precious ones that surround you.

And maybe, because of my story, there will be one more mother who will know more than I did, and one less victim.

God Bless,

Touched by Angels

I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
bringing something we must learn
and we are led, to those
who help us most to grow if we let them
and we help them in return...
It well may be
that we will never meet again
In this lifetime so let me say before we part
So much of me is made of what I learned from you
you’ll be with me like a hand print on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend
-"For Good" from Wicked

I found this quote over on my little sister's facebook page. I love it.

One thing that I have really struggled with is saying good bye to people I love. I grew up on a small farm in a community where I didn't experience a lot of change. My world was very constant. I lived in the same house my entire life. I went to school with the same friends all of my school years. I don't remember alot of friends moving away, at least not in my circle of friends. In fact, sometimes we took our constant, never changing friendships for granted and had to create silly fights with each other just because we didn't know how to appreciate the blessings that come from having true friendships. We could fight today because tomorrow we would still all be together and we had plenty of time to make up. I think I must have believed that time stood still in my little hometown.

I have been out of high school 15 years now. I have moved many times and have met and loved many people. Some we have moved away from, some have moved away from us. Most I have not seen since. I remember when we lived in Oxnard and Hubby did his internship for Smuckers. We knew we were only there for a couple of months but we met a family that we connected with immediately. The day we were leaving to go back to school, Hubby went over to say good bye to them. I couldn't go with him. Not because of anything important but because I couldn't say good bye. They were a military family so they were temporary also and I knew that I would never see them again and that was too hard for me to accept. So I stayed home and cried and cried while he went over to thank them for opening up their hearts and lives to us. To this day, I have regretted that decision. I missed the opportunity to let them know how much they meant to me. I have not spoken to them since. I don't even know where they are. I found a picture one day of them and I cried knowing the reality of us seeing each other again in this life was almost zero. Yet, I'm so thankful for their friendship and I'll love them forever. They came into our lives when we needed them the most.

When we were at BYU, we lived in family housing. Our whole ward lived in 5 buildings that were all right next to each other. It was like one big happy family. At the end of each semester, families would graduate and move away and it felt like part of my family was leaving. It was hard for me because I knew I would never see most of these friends ever again. I would look out my window and see a Uhaul tuck and I would cry. Yet I have so many memories of conversations, kind acts of friendship, hours spent sitting on the hill talking and watching our children play together, or just bumping into each other in the stair wells. So many people from that ward influenced my life forever and I am so thankful to have rubbed shoulders and shared those brief years with them. AND, I tried really hard to go and say good bye to friends when they would move away. (Honestly, I still was really bad at it. It is just so hard for me to say good bye because I just get way too attached to people.)

Since we have lived in Idaho, we have lived in 6 wards. In my wards, neighborhoods, or social groups I have met people and made friendships that were answers to my prayers. Many have moved away and our paths may never cross again but once again, I am thankful for friendships that have once again, changed my life forever.

I remember visiting with someone one day and we were talking about how interesting it was that within a matter of a few months, so many of us all moved into the same area, influenced one another's lives and then as quickly as we were all put together, we all moved away. This person's comment was, I'm para phrasing here, "Isn't it interesting how the Lord works. He moves us around to where we can do the most good at that time in our lives and when our time is up, he moves us somewhere else. At that time, I was sad because my happy little world was once again being uprooted and that meant I would have to stretch and grow all over again, but I have thought about that conversation often since and I feel like my perspective on life is slowly growing and rather than wishing I could live in my selfish world where I want to surround myself with all the people I love so much, I realize that if I had never been forced to say good bye, I would have missed out on so many hello's! (Ha! How was that for a good line:)

As I look back at all the people that I have been blessed to know and love, I realize that each friendship was perfect for me that time in my life, and no matter where our roads lead, my heart will be forever changed and I am a better person because of them. The Lord loves us all so much and he knows what we need at different times in our lives to build us up or give us the strength and support that we need to get through those trials at that time. Then he moves us on so we can touch and be touched by others. We really are clay in his hands.

And now my small circle of friendship just got bigger. I'm not limited just to who I can see out my front window. Through blogging and the world wide web, I have found old friends and met new ones and I love it!! The best part is, I don't have to say good bye anymore. Actually, my friend Julie just ended her blog for good and now I really miss her! I guess no matter how fancy technology gets, I'll still have to accept that people will continue to come and go out of my life. I'm still holding out though for the time when I can surround myself in heaven with all my favorite people! So, be watching an invitation.


I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with thier mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

Alabama, "Angels Among Us"