What is real?

I'm driving down the road visiting with my daughter. Matt and Alisa wave as they pass us in their Tahoe. We laugh and wave back. The light turns red and we stop. There's a woman next to me with her window down because she is smoking and I'm thankful I don't have that addiction. There's a car with 2 dogs breathing down the drivers neck and I'm thankful I have kids in car seats. The light turns green and my mind goes blank. Where am I? Am I asleep or is this for real? I can't remember how to drive. What do I do? I close my eyes for a second, turn my mind off and let my reflexes take over. When I open my eyes again, I feel the same but the car starts to move this time. Now I am scared. Why do I feel like I am asleep? What is wrong? I am afraid.

I've had some weird sleep experiences lately. My legs are very restless. I always have a headache and I can't seem to get my mind to shut off. I have no idea if I am sleeping or awake at night because I am aware of things all night long. Sometimes things happen that are real, sometimes they are in my dreams but my mind is going all the time and I'm beginning to get confused.

I'll be sitting on the toilet trying to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, I wake up and realize that it was a dream and I am so thankful that my body knew not to go. So then I get up and head to the bathroom. As I'm sitting there trying to go, I'm thinking this is exactly the same as a few minutes ago. Only this time I think, I hope, I'm awake and on the toilet. It seems like whether I am awake or asleep, my brain is always in a dreamy state.

There are other things. Things that scare me. I think I'm going crazy. I already take 10 pills a day. What more do I need to do?

I decided to pray for help. I begged and pleaded for an answer. Yesterday I was browsing the Internet when I thought to look up side effects of the meds that I'm on.

Whoa....here's my answer!

It now time for bed and I have my handful of pills to take. I'm looking at these things thinking, if I take them, I am just drugging my body, but if I don't, I'll get sick. Which is worse? Being drugged or being sick?

Why can't I just be normal?

One of the meds I take is for depression. That is the one that I am having the most side effects from. I'm scared to continue taking it for fear of it continuing to dominate and control me. But I've gone off of it before and I always come back to this same place. I love the feeling of freedom I feel when my body is free of the anti-depressant. "I feel like a real boy, Geppetto." But, slowly, I get lower and lower until I am no longer functioning and then I beg my doctor for help and he puts me back on the pills and tells me not to go off of them again.

Yet,now,even on medicine, I feel like I'm always low, just not the same. The medicine makes me feel numb and foggy. I don't have the emotion. It's like watching my life from the bleachers. I can see what I'm doing but without much emotion. I'm just there.

I'm tired all the time. I only live to sleep. I do what I have to knowing that I can sleep when I'm done. This isn't living. To me this is just passing time until I die. I try to make a list of things to do in a day. Then I feel overwhelmed and tired and put a movie on for the kids and go back to bed. In a way this is worse than dealing with depression without medicine. My husband wants his wife back, my children want a mother. I'm lost somewhere. I know this isn't me but what do I do?

Isn't there a way out of my head?

I'm tired now. I'm going to lay down and take a nap!

P.S. I'm okay, really! I've been fighting this same thing for years. I just wanted to document it today because I started off my medicine yesterday and I want to have something written down so that I can track my progress. AND today is Friday (YEAH!!!!) and next week is Spring Break so I get to have my kiddos home with me all day every day. It should be a party.

TOP TEN Noises Worth Staying Up ALL Night Listening To!

The howling desert wind and rain.

Truckers using their Jake-Brakes to go from 60 to stop in less then a 1/2 mile distance.

The pattering of little feet booking it to my bed because of another bad dream.

The pounding in my head from a 2 week old head ache.

Hubby's snoring.

Neighbors blasted barking dog!

The play menu from Strawberry Shortcake playing over and over because I let K fall asleep watching TV again.

J coughing and coughing and coughing.

H crying and crying and crying. He's teething!

Every single detail, event, conversation, thought, etc. from yesterday playing over and over and over again in my head.

I am so going to need a nap today!

Thoughts....

Ready for church.

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J stayed home with strep so I left him watching K and H while I took A to the bus. My low fuel light kept dinging so after A got on the bus I decided to quickly get gas since I didn't have any of the little ones with me. As I was standing by my car filling it up, an older man that was using the other side of the same pump looks around at me and says, "I didn't know they still made young women so beautiful." I was a little creeped out and mostly shocked. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled and mumbled "Thanks?"

I have a rule that I only put in $50 a paycheck so when I hit my limit I shut the pump off. This same man says, "Did you top it off?" "No, but I'm at my limit." He then hands me his gas hose and says, "Here, I'm full and I've already paid for this. Take what's left." There was only about $2.oo but he laughed and said it would get me a block further.

I left thinking, how strange. I am suspicious of kindness. I am cautious of strangers. I question the unknown.

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When I got home, my neighbor was at my front door talking to J. She told me that she was in her front room when she saw this little girl go flying past her house, no shoes, no coat, no parent. She told her girls to run catch that girl. By the time they caught up to her she was home. It was my K out looking for me and mad because I had left her home. I thanked the neighbor for her kindness and apologized for my lack of mothering skills. I grabbed K to bring her in for a little chat and when I opened the door, H was smiling at me with his hands in the toilet.

I am a good mom. I AM a good mom. I am A good mom. I am a GOOD mom. I am a good MOM! I am a good mom!

Someday..... ?

Wasting away....

My daughter keeps asking me today if I am going to die. I finally asked her why she thinks I'm going to die. She said it's because I'm so old. I asked her how old she thought I was. She said "12" I didn't dare tell her how old I really am. Then she would really be scared I was going to die.

Speaking of old, I was tempted by Mom Interrupted to get a facebook account. So I did! I'm so excited! I now have 5 friends. They are my 3 sisters, 1 brother and 1 brother-in-law. Thank goodness for family and since they won't talk to me on my blog, maybe they will talk to me on facebook, except I have no clue how to work the silly thing. They'll have to do all the talking and for once, I'll be forced to listen.

Okay, here's the part about feeling old. I can't find anyone my age-ish that I know on facebook! What's up with that? Blogging seems to be alot of young moms, which I am, right? But I get so excited when I find a mom with lots of kids and over 30. Facebook seems to be young single adults or REALLY old mom's (I'm an old mom too, remember?) keeping an eye on their high school and college kids social life. At least I am still ahead of my kids on this one. (Barely!)

So, do you have a facebook account? Do you want to be friends?

Sisters!

These 3 all wanted their hair cut, so yesterday afternoon, we did hair cuts. I basically only know how to do one hair style (straight and short) and they were happy with it.

Today, A was home from school because she has strep throat. She hasn't been sick at all but the doctor called on Saturday and said that her strep test had come back positive and she would need to stay home for 48 hours. After missing Thursday and Friday pink eye, she is home again today for strep. S was home today also because she didn't feel well when she woke up and since I am now babysitting during the days, I can't take her to school so she's having a freebie.

The little boy I am watching was very sick today so I held him all day while he fussed and slept. H is fighting an ear infection and jealousy issues so he's been fussy all day. It worked out good to have the two older girls home today because they entertained K and distracted H for me.

They decided to play a High School Musical DVD Game. I loved listening to them singing and giggling and just enjoying being together. I miss their sounds when they are at school and they are in different schools so they really miss each other and the weekends just are not long enough.

Today is one of those days that makes me wish I was still teaching my children at home.

Funny K !?!

-On Thursday, I had to take A and H to the Immediate Care Center because they both had pink eye and my doctor couldn't see us that day . We had to wait for 2 hours before we were seen. They had a fish tank in the waiting room that was dirty with one big nasty fish on the bottom and then lots of little neon fish swimming all around. It was yucky but it was entertaining for the kids. K was describing the fish to me and she was very animated in her description. The woman sitting next to me was reading a magazine but she must have been listening to K talk to me because she suddenly laughed out loud and smiled at K. K scowled at her, put her chubby little hands on her hips and in her sassiest voice said to the woman, "I am not funny and I don't want you to laugh at me!" Ummm.....who's child is this? (Sorry to the poor innocent lady. She was a good sport about it. She hid her face in her magazine and shook with quiet laughter. )

-On Friday night, I was putting H to bed and Hubby was playing on the internet. K was laying next to me and we were just talking about girly stuff. She says to me, "I can't wait until a I grow up and become a mommy cuz then I will have boobs." Me coughing, "Ummm, yes! When you grow up you will be a mommy." Kate dreamily adds, "Yes, with big beautiful boobs....." Moving on!

-Last night K was wound up, and wouldn't settle down for bed. Hubby and I sent her to bed with the other girls. About an hour later they brought her to us. S and A were both crying because they were so tired and K wouldn't stop talking so that they could go to bed. Hubby and I were almost asleep, so I told K to climb into bed with us. I thought she would just fall asleep since the house was dark and quiet. Nope! She just kept talking and talking and talking. Finally Hubby asked K if she wanted to play the quiet game. K wanted to play, so Hubby explained the rules. Hubby told K that to win you have to be really quiet. The person who is quiet the longest, wins. K was excited to play.

Ready, Set, Go!

It was very quiet for about 2 minutes. I was almost asleep, and I was thinking Hubby is brilliant. Hubby's breathing was getting more even so he was almost asleep also. K was a good player. She was being really still not making a sound.

Suddenly K popped up and said, "Okay Daddy. You win! Let's play again!"

AHHHH! Seriously, where did this girl come from?

Each week J has to do a writing assignment. This week the topic was: We have been studying the patriots of the American Revolution. What does an American Patriot look like today? Why do you want to be one?

Here is J's paper:

3/06/08

An American patriot is somebody who is fighting for freedom, and is not afraid to stand up for what is right. Sometimes they help keep our country clean right here in our own communities. Sometimes they fight in the army overseas in other countries. Some patriots are old and some are young. Anyone who tries or believes in American freedoms can be a patriot.

My dad is an American patriot. He is a police officer. He protects our freedoms by enforcing the laws of the land right here in our city. My great-grandfathers were both American patriots because they fought in World War II. They served our country by fighting for our freedoms in other countries. I am learning how to be an American patriot. I am a Cub Scout. Every day I am learning about my environment, my country, my history, and the world around me while I am developing a core set of values.

Someday it will be my turn to choose to serve my country as an American patriot. I will fight for freedom and I will not be afraid to stand up for what is right. I am an American citizen and it is an honor to serve my country.