It's no secret...I struggle with depression, or at least something similar to it.  Sunday I was fasting and as I said my morning prayers before I rushed my children out the door for 9 o'clock church, I pleaded with the Lord to help me find peace in who I am.  I struggle with feeling good enough. I know this is a tool Satan uses but some days those feelings are very real and very disabling.

As I sat in Sacrament meeting trying to focus, I found myself more emotional than usual.  (That is always embarrassing for my children) And then a testimony was shared and I can't even remember who it was or what was said but suddenly I was lost in my own thoughts.  I realized that I am who I am today because of my testimony of the restored gospel. 

I've seen my life in my mind without the gospel. I know my weaknesses enough to know that I would be a very selfish person.  I would probably be a heavy coffee drinker, I would be a workaholic because I would want to have nice things.  I would live in a high rise apartment building and wear high heals and suits to work. I would be obsessed with exercise. I would not have children, I would probably not even be married because I am just that ornery.

Instead I am a stay-at-home mother because I have a strong desire to always be at the cross-roads of my children lives. I sacrificed a career because I chose to have 6 children and be a mother first to them.  I live in a small homestead home 15 miles outside of a small town because I believe in family first and this allows my children to be a part of extended families lives and the farm is a wonderful place to raise a family. I have struggled to complete my degree (finally have an associates degree - WHOOT!) and money is not a luxury around here. 

I set goals everyday to read my scriptures and say prayers, hold FHE, go visiting teaching, serve those around me, attend the temple regularly, get my children to mutual and activity days, spend extra time at church on sunday to attend meetings and sing in the choir, focus on personal progress, duty to God, faith in God, and scouts, and the list goes on and on....and most days I feel like I fail miserably and need to try harder and do better.  

I work hard at teaching my children to not fight, be forgiving, think of others first, be the solution and not the problem, do their best in whatever they do, be compassionate, serve others, .....and the world teaches them the total opposite. 

WHY? Why do I care?  

.....Because I have a testimony of the gospel.  Because I have been taught the plan of salvation and I understand I have a purpose here on earth.  I often think of the scripture in Esther where Mordecai encourages Esther to do the hardest thing of her life saying "Who knoweth whether thou art come to the kindgom for such a time as this?"  I find myself silently pleading to Heavenly Father asking, "Is this what I was born to do?"  My answer is yes!  I chose to have 6 children! I chose to marry in the temple not only for time but for eternity.  My life isn't going to be what the world around me says is acceptable or glamorous. But it is my choice!

So rather than wish I had more, or feel sorry for myself, or feel like what I do isn't good enough to compared to others, I need to remember that my life is mine!  (Duh!) No really!  I chose it because of the things I believe.  It's my path back to my Heavenly Father.  It's not the same as anyone else's path and I'm not saying I am doing it all right. But I am where I am and who I am because of my beliefs.  

I make tons of mistakes and I make life alot harder than it has to be most of the time.  But, part of that wonderful plan of salvation is that the Savior atoned for my sins so I can repent and try again.  And as long as I am focused on eternal life, then my mistakes can become positives that help me become better, more compassionate towards others, and most importantly help keep me humble as I realize I am nothing without the Savior.   

So, now it is Tuesday and nothing miraculous has happened to change my circumstances.  I still had to get up before I wanted to and get kiddos off to school. I still have piles of laundry to do and dishes to wash and bathrooms to scrub and meals to cook and...and...and....

But there was a tiny miracle that happened inside my mind that no one can see but me...today I am at peace with myself.