My husband has a saying that he often says to me. It is, "DON'T show others all your cards." It's a good rule to live by BUT I'm also a rule breaker.
I know that I suffer from depression and so do ALOT of others. Some suffer from it long term and some short term. What I have noticed is that 1) you are open to talking about it, 2) you are very private about it, or 3) you just don't really care because it's not your problem. Depression can be viewed by some as a weakness or a cop out! Most of my experiences have been that it is an uncomfortable subject for most of us to talk much about. When I talk about my depression publicly, my husband is afraid that I am revealing something that is too personal and that it makes me look like a nut job. The reality of this is, I am a nut job! ;)
Okay, so before you are all scared for me and my family, I am currently working with my doctor and everything is good. I just needed to make some changes in my medication. I'm back on track!
Now for the big question, why did I post about something so personal in such a public place? Well, my answer isn't a good one but here goes:
It's MY blog. I write it, I think it, I do it, It's my world! It's all about me!
Okay, since that makes me sound kind of rude and cuckoo, I guess maybe I should explain WHY I blog.
I am 33 years old. I have 6 children ages 1 to 12. I stay home all day, every day! I also do some daycare in my home so I always have a few extras! My husband has a very stressful job with hours that don't coordinate well with raising a family, thus I am on my own alot. My side of our family doesn't live in the same town as we do so we don't have aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc to rely on. Hubby has some extended family in town, but it's hard for me, without Hubby there to hold my hand and tell me it's okay, to feel like I can rely on them like I would relatives on my side of the family. So I often feel alone. I don't do things with friends much. WHY? Well, first of all we move around a lot and I really am a shy person and I think of myself as kind of boring so I have a hard time going out of my comfort zone to talk to people and make friends. My sister told me once that I often come across to people as snobbish and rude. That's funny to me because that is so far from what I am thinking in my head. I really just lack a lot of confidence in myself. ALSO, I always have a lot of kiddos I'm hauling around. I always think it's overwhelming and scary to see us all coming. But, where am I going to leave them? (STOP! I have a lot more excuses that I have come up with over the years but this is turning into a feel sorry for me post and that is not where I am wanting to go with this at all!)
My point is, I have not allowed myself to have a life outside of my children. They are it! 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days of the year! I get really stressed out and it's just easier to stay home alone in my own little corner of the world. When I am around Hubby's friends, he calls me a prude because I have no clue what to talk about so I'm just awkward. When I hang out with my friends, I don't have a clue what to talk about outside of my children so I ramble on and on and usually talk way too much. I just feel like a social misfit! I chose my life though. I love my kids. I'm so thankful I have each one of them!!!! BUT I am severely lacking in the adult social world. I'm great with kids though (at least ones 12 and under)!
My life keeps happening, everyday and I'm horrible at journaling. Not because I don't like to write, but because I hate to go back and read what I wrote. I think I'm a dork! So when I started a blog it was mostly to share pictures and cute kid stories with my family members who live far away. But who wants to hear depressing things. So I had to look at things around me in a lighter way.
Funny thing happened though. As I began to write about the good in my life, I started to not see it all as bad. It turned into therapy for me! Now I actually look forward to writing things down. And what's even better is that readers like you (HINT!) actually leave me comments and then I convince myself that I actually have a social life that works with my mommy life!
So, why the depression post?
Because that is me! It's not all a bed of roses here. I have bad days. I even have REALLY bad days. I don't post about them though. I like to kid around and say that blogging is my pretend world where I'm a great mom who always knows all the answers, I have adorable kids that are practically perfect in every way and our stories always have happy endings, and, oh yeah, I have an imaginary social life with tons of friends.
Who am I trying to kid though?
I won't make it a habit to post wacky things very often. There's some good, some bad, and even some ugly going on around here, but that is the story of my life. I'm just trying to keep it real.
(See, I told you I didn't really have a great reason for my previous post, or this one now that I've just read through it! Oh well!)
Who knows though, maybe you are as nutty as me so we can still be friends?!!
28 comments:
I love your blog!! I love that you keep it so real. It helps me to know that I am not the only one that feels a little nutty at time with raising a family. You are great!!!!! Love, Miriam
i'm glad that you are finding so much awareness in your life. i mentioned online journaling before, and i had very similar experiences as you, it was just a totally private setting. it helps to be able to recognize things and give them a voice. the good part about doing it on a blog is that really, everyone struggles with something, so who's to judge? it becomes a great support.
hey... remind me again when the temple dedication will be??
never mind, i checked the website from your link. we will be driving through there on our way to utah sometime during then, with all five children in tow... we should hook up, and then we can all feel overwhelmed with our ELEVEN KIDS...
i'll email you when i know for sure the dates we're travelling
It's very refreshing to see someone honestly put themselves out there as they really are, and not putting up a 'perfect' front for all the world to see. Bravo!! I think you are wonderful!
I love your blog. And I just love you. You write your post whatever you want in your blog!
I love the "keeping it real" We have a lot of things in common, 6 kids, 33 yrs old, think I'm boring and a bit crazy, I also never know what to talk about around real live adults! Keep keeping it real, I enjoy living in the pretend world where I h\too have lots of friends! :)
Wow, I must of missed that post...I think you and I are alot like, I can relate to what you are saying..Please know that you are not alone in those feelings, others and I feel like that at time too....Hang in there kiddo, you are doing a great job...This life is all about learning and striving...
Hello! We definitely could be great friends! I could relate to everything you said about being shy and sometimes coming across as snobby but really just not having a lot of confidence in yourself. Meet one more "socially-inept-but-trying-to-be-better-at-it" person. :-)
I find it a little harder to relate to the depression because as I understand it, it is something almost impossible to pull out of all on your own. While I get pretty discouraged sometimes, it's pretty easy to get me cheerful again.
However, I want to let you know that I've been enjoying reading your blog (even though I'm fairly new here) and it`s nice to know that at least one other person in the world thinks even remotely like I do. :-) Thanks.
I'm going to have to agree with most of these other commenters...I feel like I have a lot in common with you. I'm 33, I don't have tons of friends and feel socially awkward. I also blog to reach out to people outside of my mommy world! It helps me to feel connected to life beyond motherhood (don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful to be a mother!). Another great aspect of the blog medium is that journaling ability. I think that there are many people who are encouraged and inspired because of AND in spite of the challenges you face (does that even make sense?). Anyway...I like you just the way you are!
I love your honesty. I'm so glad to have met you. I can't wait until we can meet in real life!
Gorgeous new look by the way.
I can relate to that a lot! My husband has a crazy schedule so I'm on my own a lot with my 5 and they are not the easy kind of child. For me it is easier to just hull up at home till they are at a better place developmentally. So, my first step out into the real world has been blogging.
I am glad to see that you are human, just like the rest of us! I think that you are a great mom, awesome wife, and a good friend! I really enjoy reading what you have to say each day, you are an inspiration to more people than you probably know and for that reason I am glad that you post those "personal" things. They sure help me. Keep up the good work! You're great!
P.S. You're husband's family isn't that bad and not as scary as you think they are!! :)
I love you. Even if you are a nut job.
I think many people have these same feelings, I know I do. But we aren't courageous enough to admit to them openly as you do--probably because of the fear of being judged by others. Thanks for sharing. And I agree with Heather, your husbands family isn't THAT scary! :) But I know what you mean, it is hard to reach out to family when you don't know them very well.
Uh, I guess I'm just as 'nutty' as you are then, cuz I related to a lot of things you wrote here.
I have the good and the bad days too, and I find it therapeutic to write as well.
The new look is beautiful! You say whatever you want to say on here, girl. I have a feeling that more women relate to you than don't. ;)
You're awesome. :)
Hi!
Cheri pointed me your way! I am glad she did. I have appreciate your posts.
I wrote one a little while ago about moms needing to put the masks away and be honest and open with each other so that we can ban together rather than alienate. It seems mothers are all trying to paint "the perfect picture"(which we all know doesn't exist but still fall for sometimes)This approach doesn't help anything. When we open up and are honest...that is when we can find strength in those around us and find common ground that we can grasp onto.
I suffered from PPD after my son was born. It took about 17 months before I started to feel normal again. The majority of that time I felt all alone. I knew full well others out there were suffereing...but no one really fessed up to it...had someone stepped forward I would have had someone to lean on and look for answers with...so I am glad you wrote your story. Never make excuses for being real. We like real. We need real.
you have loads of friends my sister...it's cuz you're so cute huh...you know i love you right?
If some one said you come off as snobbish or rude, that's silly. You've never seemed anything but shy to me. I'm guilty of a few of the same things as you, number one being a stay at home kind of SHAM. Seriously, taking three kids out involves draining all my energy and will to do anything. Taking 6 kids out, just thinking about it makes me tired. I've been guilty of living in the same neighborhood as two different long time friends and only seeing them a few times a year. How lazy of me.
My friend Laura, whom I love, left you a little note about her depression problem, so I'll say the same to you that I said to her: I've have never been through depression so I can't understand fully what you're going through, but I can have compassion. I know many, many mothers, LDS mothers that I know of, have this problem. I hope you can find ways and people who can help you through this. The bright spot in that your children are only getting older! I hear they are difficult as they get older, but honestly, at least they can dress and groom themselves then! Ha.
I think it's great to write about the not-so-good things in our lives once in a while. I've found that blogging has been a form of therapy for me as well. I have a similar situation as you where Joel is gone a lot, I'd rather stay home most of the time than drag my four kids all over the place and I don't have my family in Florida...so this is a nice way to connect with other moms. I love reading your blog. You are a great writer.
I love your blog. Your new background is very beautiful! I love how you keep things so real. It is nice to see that everyone doesn't have this perfect little life. Things go wrong in every family. It is just nice to know that my family isn't the only ones with problems. I thought your family was this perfect little family that sat on the row in front of us just being perfect little angels. We all know kids are sweet and innocent, but they have bad days too. We just take those days with a grain of salt and keep moving forward.
I'm glad you had the courage to post so honestly. I think it's a great step for you! Lots and lots of LDS (especially) women get stuck in the same rut of having their entire lives focused around their children. I hope you are doing something for yourself too. I think it makes for healthier children to see their parents fulfilled with all of life and not just parenting. They don't need the burden of being your everything, if you know what I mean. But, I think you also don't give yourself enough credit. You are a fantastic mom! Your blog is too much fun for you to be boring. And I've never thought of you as rude or snobby. I think we're all on a journey, and we help each other along the way. You're probably doing better than you think!
Hey Laurie,
I am a late commentor. I was sick and out of town last week. I enjoy reading your blog. You are one of the first people I met in this ever expanding blog world. You are amazing to me. I have three kids, you have six! It blows my mind that you are still functionable. During the first year of having my last baby I nearly, completely shut down I was so overwhelmed. My note to self was No more kids close together in age. I started my blog and it has really been an awesome outlet and also a fun place to get to know a little about others.
It is nice to know that other people are "NORMAL" not just full of sunshine and flowers.
I want to come down to the Temple open house and maybe meet you! I think it would be fun. Sounds like we could probably get a couple bloggers together.
This was a great post,
Ashley
Hi Laurie,
Love the new look!! having a large family does take up alot of your time not to mention energy! and it can be hard to interact with adults when kids are your whole world... but as the kids grow up I have found that little by little you start to have more time to do things for yourself & that includes mixing with other adults! give yourself time & your confidence will grow! H is so adorable... is he going to be your last? Hope everyone is feeling better & that you all had a wonderful easter! xx
I'm pretty darn sure I'm nuttier than you. :)
I love keepin it real. I have a hard time when I read some blogs and everything seems perfect in the persons life and mine is nothing like that. It makes me feel bad. That is surely a bad quality, but more proof that I am not perfect and I need to know that other people aren't either. It is one of the things that makes me love them the most. I can relate to just about every word you said! So thank you for keeping it real-
I don't know how I found you or if I will ever be able to get back...but...thank you, thank you, thank you for being real. Normal, overwhelmed, unsure of yourself, scared< How great for all the rest of us to know that in amongst all the "perfection" of bloggers lives, there is some one that is real. Personally, this is the best post I have ever read. In the thousands that I have read, truly the most honest. Thank you.
You're so right "It's MY blog. I write it, I think it, I do it, It's my world!" I love that about blogging. You shouldn't have to "edit" your posts. Obviously, we ALL love real. All of us have our bad days. Heck, I just had one today and wrote about it.
Love you.
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